Warning: this contains references of self harm, blood and damage to the body - but this is to help and advise those who suffer and to help them live themselves.

I understand this is a touchy subject and no one is required to read this or even discuss this, but I want this here to help people to love themselves; it took me a while so I want other people to realise sooner than I. 

Self harm is defined as 'body mutilation', meaning it can be performed in a number of ways. Many people presume that self harm = cutting which is not the case, it is the most common type yes, but it is not the only method of self harming. Self harm is carried out when an individual, no matter their identity, feels uncomfortable in their body and finds release from seeing it mutilated. The trigger for my self harm was a mixture of emotional abuse and my gender identity. I used to self harm by:

- Cutting (not just my wrists, but my legs and by chest)

- Biting my lips until they bled

- Ripping the nails and skin off from my fingers and hands

- Scratching until I bled

I found release in damaging my body as it took my mind off the troubles I was feeling and gave me something to do: it was a personal and private experience that acted as a distraction for me. Whilst some people showed their cuts and such off, I hid mine under my clothes and places where the people I cared about could not see. I have always had a protective mind frame and felt that I should be the only one miserable: why should the people I love feel miserable just because I am? I see now that this was wrong and I feel ashamed that I couldn't trust myself to open up to them and let them help me, but my view of the world was distorted. 

I still find comfort in a lot of these activities and they have become more of a reflex than a voluntary choice in times of danger or stress; but a lot of my insecurities and such have been replaced with food. Although this is less harmful for my physical health, I feel overwhelming guilt and shame as I do not feel the need to purge it out of my system, as I am scared for when the high fades, so I am slowly putting on more and more weight. This is a compulsion, I ritual I must carry out in order to feel safe and secure and I have no control over it; I cannot stop myself and it is something I have become reliant on. I have been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Binge Eating Disorder, but I still class this as a form of self harm as I am willingly putting myself at risk as it makes me feel better about myself. It may not be as extreme as drawing blood, but I am still finding some release in damaging my body somewhat. 

Need to talk? Don't hesitate.